The Struggle to Be Skinny Enough

It was a few weeks ago. I found myself sitting in a little restaurant, the walls covered with retro advertisements and old Coca Cola signs from the 50’s.

I sat there, sipping my drink and waiting on my food, when the thighs of a bright and smiling girl with bouncy curls on a poster on the wall caught my eye. She wore a yellow pleated mini skirt, and was leaning back, holding her Coke. Her thighs were prominent in the picture and they were so … uh, normal sized. She wasn’t fat, or chubby, but her rosy cheeks glowed. She looked healthy and hearty. I couldn’t stop staring at her. It just seemed so weird to see a model about my size, not rail thin, on the wall.

I spent more time starting at the rosy cheeked girl with a huge smile on the Coca Cola poster than I did eating my food. How different from the models that are held up today as the perfection of beauty, I mourned to myself. The models from fifty years ago weighed far more than the stars of today. They weren't fat; they were healthy weights, with some curves, and actual flesh on their bones!

Angelina Jolie, thin limbs, gaunt and hollow face. Our culture has adjusted to thinking this is as good as beauty gets! Every magazine and billboard shouts out that sharp and stark cheek bones are more beautiful than gently rounded cheeks, legs are more beautiful with nothing but bone, and waists are most beautiful when they are impossibly small.

This is what our girls try to be. They starve themselves, live on diet sodas, protein shakes, low-calorie fillers… binge and purge because of the array of food set before them hourly. …Always feeling fat and ugly and hoping to catch a guy’s attention by getting as skinny as their friends. Size 4 jeans have almost become a status symbol.

Growing up in a culture that values an almost starved look (one that most people cannot obtain in a healthy way) carries over into motherhood.

A few months ago, I was visiting with a pregnant doula client and her husband. This beautiful woman who I’ll call Grace [details changed to protect her identity] is slender – 10-20 pounds underweight, and half-way through her pregnancy weighs less than she should as a non-pregnant person.

Grace was talking about her baby’s movement. I asked if I could touch her belly and feel the baby. She smiled and said, “Of course. He’s right here.” As I laid my hand on her nearly flat stomach (yes, she was half way through her second trimester!), she grimaced and said, “Sorry, there’s a huge blob of fat there. You’ll just have to ignore it.” Then she turned away and looked embarrassed.

Of course, I said something positive back to her about her body, but as I left I wondered how many other pregnant mothers feel the same way about their bodies, not because there is any truth to the way they feel, but because our culture makes them feel that way.

How many women feel like Grace? How many women are starving their babies for fear of “getting fat”?

I’m not advocating obesity or being overweight or gaining a huge amount while pregnant, or pigging out, or…

I’m advocating that women feel pressure to be healthy, not skinny!

What Are the Risks of Cesarean Section?

What are the risks of having a Cesarean section? …The risk of having two, even three C-sections? …For the mother, for the baby?

What are the risks of vaginal birth? …For the mother, for the baby?

If you are the typical American woman wondering about these questions, you’ll probably ask your doctor, perhaps check out a few resources online and see what the most popular pregnancy guide book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting has to say. You might even ask your childbirth educator about c-sections, and she would probably help you feel more prepared for it, by explaining when it is likely to happen and how you may feel about it if/when it happens to you.

Hearing women talk about cesareans has often made me wonder exactly what the average pregnant woman does and doesn’t know about having a c-section when she walks into the hospital to give birth. I’m on a mission to find out…

Is she adequately informed of the risks? Does she have a clear idea of the risks and benefits? Does she know as much about this procedure on her and her baby’s body as she does about purchasing her new car and comparing models?

I checked out What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and no where in its 437 pages could I find even one paragraph informing mothers of the potential risks for themselves when undergoing Cesarean delivery. The most I found for mothers was information on what a C-section would be like and how to be calm as you were wheeled back to the operating room for an emergency c-section, and then what recovery would entail – pain around the incision, possibly nausea and vomiting, possibly referred shoulder pain for a few hours and possible constipation, then it should be 4-6 weeks before you feel completely back to normal.

And this quote to put everyone’s fears to rest –

Question: “My doctor told me I will have to have a cesarean. But I’m afraid the surgery will be dangerous.”

Answer: “Today…cesareans are nearly as safe as vaginal deliveries for the mother, and in difficult deliveries or when there’s fetal distress, they are often the safest mode of delivery for the baby. Even though its technically called major surgery, a cesarean carries relatively minor risks – much closer to those of a tonsillectomy than of a gall bladder operation, for instance.”

Hmmmm…I’ve heard a few other things about cesareans recently. I’ll post them here as I get a chance…

A Christmas Wish for Birthing Women

As everyone rushes around, gathering with family and friends for Christmas, baking cookies, piling their cars high with gifts, and eating more than ample portions of Christmas candy and sweets, I’ve thought about what I really want this Christmas.

What I want isn’t tangible, and I won’t get it tomorrow morning as a Christmas gift.

But I still wish for it, for my future, and that of every young woman who will someday face the prospect of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood.

I dream of the day….

~ When pregnant women are honored and treasured by society as life-givers and very special people.

~ When all women will be informed and educated about their bodies, birth, and babies.

~ When maternity care providers will believe that parents are good decision makers when presented with accurate information.

~ When every woman will have access to a midwife, a doula, a physician, a circle of supportive friends and anyone else she needs or wants to give her the best pregnancy possible.

~ When pregnant women walking through the grocery story will hear, “You can do it!” instead of, “I hope you signed up for an epidural! You have no idea how bad it hurts!”

~ When women aren’t expected to have perfect bodies that show no signs of having carried and birthed a baby.

~ When birth and babies again belong to mothers and fathers…. Not the state, not the American Medical Association, not the insurance companies, or the hospitals or obstetricians.

It won’t happen overnight, but it can happen when committed people work to change their own little corner of the world.

You may not be able to transform your local hospital’s policies, but you can educate your daughters, the girls in your neighborhood, your classmates and colleagues about birth.

You may not be able to stem the rising C-section rate, but you can help this mother avoid an unnecessary one.

You may not write a book that improves birth for other women, but you can write a letter to the newspaper about women’s birth options in your area.

You may never get everyone to breastfeed, but you can convince some people of the huge difference it can make in the future health of any baby.

You may never appear on a talk show about birth, but you can talk to your friends about improving birth.

You may never change the world, but you can change your world!